


Swift Block Tango

by canufeelthemagictonight



Category: Chicago (2002), Fifth Harmony (Band), Music RPF, Taylor Swift (Musician)
Genre: Based on "Cell Block Tango" from Chicago, Cell Block Tango, Cheating, Crack, F/F, F/M, False Accusations, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Infidelity, Murder, Murderers, Prison
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-04
Updated: 2017-03-04
Packaged: 2018-09-28 07:32:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10079603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/canufeelthemagictonight/pseuds/canufeelthemagictonight
Summary: "Don't. Green. Shank. Why? Madison. Jauregui."An affectionate parody of "Cell Block Tango" from Chicago, using Taylor Swift and her squad.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I saw "Chicago," and this came up for some reason. I don't know. I guess Karlie Kloss would be Roxie in this scenario?
> 
> Also, too, just because someone gets murdered in this story doesn't mean I hate them, so please don't hate me. omigoshIhopenoneofthemeverreadthis

Night falls. At first, Squad County Prison is a sea of darkened silence. No rattling bars. No angry words. No songs.

But not for long.

Once the warden finally gives in to the comforting grasp of sleep, the Six begin their mantra. The words dance across the courtyard like frenzied ballerinas, echoing between the bars, spitting like tobacco juice through their blood-red lips.

_Don't._

_Green._

_Shanked._

_Why?_

_Madison._

_Jauregui._

Ellie Goulding. Ella Yelich-O'Connor. Selena Gomez. Gigi Hadid. Taylor Swift. Camila Cabello. Six women who stand accused of first-degree murder. Their names plaster the headlines. Their lives are on the line.

This is their Cell Block Tango.

_Don't. Green. Shanked. Why? Madison. Jauregui._  
_Don't. Green. Shanked. Why? Madison. Jauregui._

_He had it coming!_  
_He had it coming!_  
_He only had himself to blame!_  
_If you'd have been there,_  
_If you'd have seen it,_  
_I betcha you would have done the same!_

_Don't. Green. Shanked. Why? Madison. Jauregui._  
_Don't. Green. Shanked. Why? Madison. Jauregui._

Ellie steps forward, a match in hand, her blonde hair a tangled mess of its former self. "You know how messy breakups can get. And this wasn't even a breakup, really, since it wasn't really a relationship in the first place, but whatever. This guy—his name was Ed—got all pissy cause I screwed someone else, and guess what? He goes and writes a song about it. Calls it 'Don't.' And it goes top 10, and everyone know it's about me, and the tabloids drag my name through the freakin' mud.

"Well, I couldn't have that, so I said to him, 'take it back!' And..." She sighs. "He wouldn't. So I pulled out my pistol and fired two warning shots. 

"In. To. His. Head."

_He had it coming!_  
_He had it coming!_  
_He only had himself to blame!_  
_If you'd have been there,_  
_If you'd have heard it,_  
_I betcha you would have done the same!_

Next up is Ella, otherwise known as Lorde. "I met James Lowe almost two years ago, and he said he was single, so we hit it off right away. We were perfect. I gushed about him on Instagram, and he wrote about me on his blog, and we danced in the green light..." She is wistful for a second, but soon snaps out of it.

"And then I found out. Single, he told me. Single my ass. Not only was he dating...he was dating, like, five other people. One of those playboys, you know? So that night, while we were out for a swim, I held his head underwater a _little_ bit longer than I should've.

"They thought he loved the beach...he was _such_ a damn liar."

_He had it coming!_  
_He had it coming!_  
_He took a flower in its prime,_  
_And then he used it,_  
_And he abused it!_  
_It was a murder, but not a crime!_

Selena's face twists itself into a furious scowl. "Now, I'm backstage, prepping for a show, minding my own business, and in storms my ex Justin in a jealous rage. 'You've been screwing the Weeknd!' he says. And I try to talk him down, like, Justin, _we're not even dating anymore, let it go,_ but he wouldn't. He was crazy. He grabbed me, and he kept screaming, 'You've been screwing the Weeknd!' 

"And then he ran into my knife." She giggles. "He ran into my knife ten times."

_If you'd have been there,_  
_If you'd have seen it,_  
_I betcha you would have done the same!_

It's Gigi's turn, but her testimony comes out in heaving sobs. "Why? Why did this happen? Why am I here? I didn't do it, I _didn't,_ I was framed, they found Zayn's shoes in my bag and everyone jumped to conclusions. I tried to explain to the police. I told them I was innocent, but they didn't believe me. Why didn't they believe me?"

"Gigi!" Taylor snaps. "Stop being overdramatic. Did you do it or not?"

Gigi shakes her head.

_He had it coming..._

At last, it's Taylor's time to shine, and she plans to make the most of it. "I was on a tour," she begins, her voice low and fierce, "and my boyfriend John traveled around with me. Katy Perry was doing a tour 'round the same time. I was already pissed at her before this all happened, cause she stole a few of my backup dancers, but that's beside the point. Anyway, this one night, we'd just done a sellout show in Madison Square Garden, so we were having ourselves a little afterparty—boozing, having a few laughs—and we ran out of ice. So I went out to get some. 

"I come back, open the door, and there's John and Katy, doing the Reverse Cowgirl _all over my trailer floor!_

"Well, I was in such a state of shock, I completely blacked out. I can't remember a thing. It wasn't until later, when I was washing the blood off my hands, that I even knew they were dead."

_They had it coming!_  
_They had it coming!_  
_They had it coming all along!_  
_I didn't do it,_  
_But if I'd done it,_  
_How could you tell me that I was wrong?_

_They had it coming! (They had it coming!)_  
_They had it coming! (They had it coming!)_  
_They had it coming all along! (They took a flower in its prime)_  
_I didn't do it (And then they used it)_  
_But if I'd done it (And they abused it!)_  
_How could you tell me that I was wrong?_

Camila is the last to speak. "I loved Lauren Jauregui more than I can possibly say. She was sweet...stylish...witty...and she wasn't afraid to speak her mind. About anything. She was the only reason I stayed in Fifth Harmony for as long as I did. 

"But then I left. I had to. The band was holding me back, and I wanted to be a star in my own right. I thought Lauren would understand. She didn't." She puts on a fake voice, mocking her dead ex-girlfriend's anger. "'How could you? We worked our asses off, we've almost made it, and now you wanna throw it all away?' I said 'yeah' and then she called me a selfish bitch. 'I'll tell!' she said. 'I'll tell them everything. They'll know what a snake you are!'

"I guess you could say we broke up due to irreconcilable differences. She couldn't keep her mouth shut, so I couldn't let her live."

_The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum!_  
_The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum!_

_They had it coming!_  
_They had it coming!_  
_They had it coming all along!_  
_Cause if they used us_  
_And they abused us,_  
_How could you tell us that we were wrong?_

_They had it coming!_  
_They had it coming!_  
_They only had themselves to blame!_  
_If you'd have been there,_  
_If you'd have seen it,_  
_I betcha you would have done the same!_

"Take it back!" Ellie demands.

 _"Such_ a damn liar," growls Lorde.

"Ten times!" brags Selena. 

"I was framed!" Gigi wails.

"All over my trailer floor," mutters Taylor.

"Couldn't keep her mouth shut," sighs Camila, shaking her head.

_Don't._

_Green._

_Shanked._

_Why?_

_Madison._

_Jauregui._

And so, the Cell Block Tango ends. The prisoners retire to their cells, and each prepares for another night in jail.

Will they be acquitted? Or will they hang?

Only time will tell.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed that. I have no idea why I wrote it, but hope you liked it anyway.


End file.
